Just when you think you have it all figured out and nothing can bother you anymore, something jumps out and reminds you. Steve and I were shopping at Target the other day. He went to buy him a book since he is off work and hasn't really had much to do. So, I decided to get one as well. I decided to get A Stolen Life by Jaycee Dugard. I thought this book would give me more perspective and help me relate to someone who has been through some of the same things I had been through. I really thought it was going to help more. Well, I have been reading it for the past couple of days every chance I got. Which wasn't much. I got to page 55 tonight and I had to stop. I started crying and couldn't stop. I thought about all the abuse I endured. I felt awful for her to have to go through so much. I may have been sexually abused by three different men at different times but it was never over and over again. I cannot imagine what her young mind was going through. I know when I went though the molestation at age 11 I wanted to kill myself. I cut myself as often as possible to feel physical pain instead of the emotional pain I felt. She had to go through this for 18 years almost daily. Wow, just wow.
It opened a whole new can of worms for me tonight. Even though I feel I am still on the right track with my healing process I know I am not fully healed. If I were it wouldn't have gotten me so bad. I had to put the book away and I will not be finishing it. I can't. If I do I will cry the whole time and think about my situation. Not that I am feeling sorry for myself but its hard not to think of these things.
After I had my moment I heard Jace calling for me. He wanted me to come kiss him again. I almost broke down. I cannot imagine anything like that ever happening to my son. I have a lot of fear that surrounds him. I never want him to go through any of the things I had to go through as a child and young adult. I talked to my therapist today about my paranoia I have been having about something bad happening to my family or Jace. It has been taking over my mind. This is why she has been trying her best to get me in to see the new doctor. Which of course she did today. I go see him in October. I'm thankful for that. My OCD takes full control of my thoughts sometimes and its hard to handle. I'm just glad I am getting the help that I need now, while Jace is still young. By the time he is able to understand certain things I am almost certain this all will be passed me and I won't have to worry about any of it.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Have you ever felt like a lab rat?
That's what I am feeling like as of late. I know it takes a while sometimes for certain medications to work and for the side effects to wear off, but my goodness it ain't worth all of this. I was put on a new medication Thursday I believe. It was for my OCD because it was taking over my brain again and I couldn't put my worrisome thoughts to rest. So, I told the doctor I would give a try and honestly I did. I tried really hard. I wanted it to work, obviously. But, it didn't. It put me to sleep pretty quickly which was awesome. I slept through the night which was equally awesome. What was not so awesome is the next day side effects. Friday I woke up around 1PM I think and then went right back to sleep about 1:30PM and didn't wake back up until 4:30PM. When I did wake up I wanted to go right back to sleep but I couldn't because I had stuff to do. I felt like crap! So my MIL suggested the next night I cut the pill in half and take that. So, I gave that a shot. Same thing. Slept all day and felt like crap. Obviously after that I was done. I said forget it. So of course the past couple of nights I haven't slept well again. But I refuse to let what happened to me in April happen again. Although I am having sleep issues and dealing with my mom being gone and not going to be there to see me get married to my soul mate I am doing well overall.
I mean, my OCD is still there obviously and will continue to be until I find something that works for me and doesn't do weird crap to my body but I'll live with it for now. I lived with it this long, another few months isn't going to kill me.
On a much happier note. The wedding planning is coming together quite well. My dress is being altered currently by a great seamstress. Steve's wedding band came in today, mine should be here next week. My invitations are on the way. I've bought lots of things that we'll need for the wedding. I am feeling confident with everything that I am getting accomplished. I have 54 days until I say "I do" to my soul mate and I couldn't be happier!
I mean, my OCD is still there obviously and will continue to be until I find something that works for me and doesn't do weird crap to my body but I'll live with it for now. I lived with it this long, another few months isn't going to kill me.
On a much happier note. The wedding planning is coming together quite well. My dress is being altered currently by a great seamstress. Steve's wedding band came in today, mine should be here next week. My invitations are on the way. I've bought lots of things that we'll need for the wedding. I am feeling confident with everything that I am getting accomplished. I have 54 days until I say "I do" to my soul mate and I couldn't be happier!
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Excited and heartbroken at the same time.
Steve & I getting married just got very real for me this past weekend. Its only 2 months away and I couldn't be happier to be finally marrying my soul mate. I love that man with my whole heart and I know that he is the person I was meant to be with. He completes me and is the most loyal, caring, and thoughtful man I know. I am very lucky to have him in my life and to soon be able to call him my husband.
On the other hand, my heart is breaking into a million pieces. Why? My mom won't be there. We are doing something special for her and I know she will be there in spirit and hopefully looking down on me from somewhere. I know she'd be proud of me. I just know she would, but oh my goodness its so hard. Its really getting to me to the point of me crying at the thought. I'm trying to hold it in and not let it get to me but its hard.
Maybe this is the reason I haven't slept for two days. I'm having bad dreams, tossing and turning all night. As much as I think about the happy things to come and am truly happy, it creeps into my mind and I cannot help it. I so wish she was here with me, with us. I loved that woman so much. She would do any and everything for her kids and grand kids. Never was a better woman. Too bad she had to leave us so soon.
Well, that is it for now. I have been bottling this in. Its nice to get it out.
And, to my mama if she can see or hear me. I love you and miss you so much.
On the other hand, my heart is breaking into a million pieces. Why? My mom won't be there. We are doing something special for her and I know she will be there in spirit and hopefully looking down on me from somewhere. I know she'd be proud of me. I just know she would, but oh my goodness its so hard. Its really getting to me to the point of me crying at the thought. I'm trying to hold it in and not let it get to me but its hard.
Maybe this is the reason I haven't slept for two days. I'm having bad dreams, tossing and turning all night. As much as I think about the happy things to come and am truly happy, it creeps into my mind and I cannot help it. I so wish she was here with me, with us. I loved that woman so much. She would do any and everything for her kids and grand kids. Never was a better woman. Too bad she had to leave us so soon.
Well, that is it for now. I have been bottling this in. Its nice to get it out.
And, to my mama if she can see or hear me. I love you and miss you so much.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Things remembered.
There are so many heartbreaking stories from my childhood. Its crazy because sometimes I look back and think that couldn't have possibly been me. When did I become such a strong person and able to survive and thrive in this cruel world? How could my dad be the way he was? I mean I know he didn't have the best childhood either and his dad was abusive, but he could have broken the cycle like I did but he chose not too. He still chooses not to.
When my sister was pregnant with her first child (a biracial baby) and my mom was married again (to a black man) our dad refused to let us see them for years. Yet he would leave us at home all of the time by ourselves with no food to eat, no TV, no games, nothing. He took every thing out of this house because it was evil. This was on one of his religious kicks. It was ridiculous how prejudice he was/is about mixing races. So bad that he wouldn't allow us to see our own mom and sister. Knowing good and well he wasn't taking care of us and had our mom knew she would have done something about it. Of course she didn't know because every time she tried to come around he would threaten to her and her husband. He actually chased them down once because they drove past our house trying to see us. He literally passed them in the road, stopped dead still in the middle of the road, cursing and screaming at my mom and busted her windshield with his fist. She went to the cops and he ran of course. He had a warrant for years but they knew exactly were he was and could have gotten him, but they didn't.
He was with a certain woman during these times. She was all high and mighty religious and so were her parents. I get that people believe in different things. I really do. But, does that mean you keep your kids from a parent or sibling just because they are choosing to be with someone of another race? Do you disown them? NO!
Anyway, during all of this time my dad was preaching one thing and doing a totally different thing. In his beliefs and the teachings he gathered from his church he believed in spanking. A quote he always said "spare the rod, spoil the child." Ok. I can get that if your religious. But, he didn't just spank us. He beat us. There is a huge difference there. I never got the beatings my brother and sister got. Grant it I got my fair share but never as many as they did. I remember so many times when my brother and dad would fight. My brother was so angry and he had every right to be. He was practically a stand in dad to me (even though he is just a year and a few months older). He had to find ways to feed us and he protected me from him in his own way. I remember once my dad choke slamming my brother to the floor and just beating him in the face because he was mad. He frequently got mad at his girlfriend and when he did he took it out on us when he was home. He would tell us to do something and we could ask a harmless question and it was over. Time to get the leather belt out and he would start swinging it where ever he could hit us. I remember when I was a bit younger (before I started cooking) he asked me to get down a pack of frozen pork chops to thaw out. I asked him which ones where the pork chops. He had a cast iron skillet in his hands and almost threw it at me he was so mad. I flinched and tried to duck. He didn't throw it but when he got the pork chops out of the freezer he hit me with them over and over again.
He was an angry man my entire life, he still is obviously and he won't ever get over his problems with women and his children. It was one thing to treat us the way he did and abandon us all those times but its another thing when he does our kids like that. He will never know my son. That ship has sailed. I gave him plenty of opportunity. He had almost 2 years to prove himself different and he couldn't even do that. He up and married a woman that no one knows. All of his conversations were monitored by her. He had to have it on speaker for every conversation but the last straw was in December. I haven't spoken to him since and won't ever again. He's nothing to me. He's nothing to my son. Jace has his Poppy and that's all he needs. He loves Jace enough. My dad may have abandoned me and abused me but he will not get the chance to do my son like that. And, I refuse to have a man in my life that treats no one with respect especially his family.
There are way more stories to tell about my childhood and I will get back to all of them a little at a time. After all that is part of my healing process. Thank you all to the one's of you who read my stories because it really does help me. My therapist says "A burden shared is a burden cut in half" and "talk it to death." So in the end there will be nothing else left to talk about.
When my sister was pregnant with her first child (a biracial baby) and my mom was married again (to a black man) our dad refused to let us see them for years. Yet he would leave us at home all of the time by ourselves with no food to eat, no TV, no games, nothing. He took every thing out of this house because it was evil. This was on one of his religious kicks. It was ridiculous how prejudice he was/is about mixing races. So bad that he wouldn't allow us to see our own mom and sister. Knowing good and well he wasn't taking care of us and had our mom knew she would have done something about it. Of course she didn't know because every time she tried to come around he would threaten to her and her husband. He actually chased them down once because they drove past our house trying to see us. He literally passed them in the road, stopped dead still in the middle of the road, cursing and screaming at my mom and busted her windshield with his fist. She went to the cops and he ran of course. He had a warrant for years but they knew exactly were he was and could have gotten him, but they didn't.
He was with a certain woman during these times. She was all high and mighty religious and so were her parents. I get that people believe in different things. I really do. But, does that mean you keep your kids from a parent or sibling just because they are choosing to be with someone of another race? Do you disown them? NO!
Anyway, during all of this time my dad was preaching one thing and doing a totally different thing. In his beliefs and the teachings he gathered from his church he believed in spanking. A quote he always said "spare the rod, spoil the child." Ok. I can get that if your religious. But, he didn't just spank us. He beat us. There is a huge difference there. I never got the beatings my brother and sister got. Grant it I got my fair share but never as many as they did. I remember so many times when my brother and dad would fight. My brother was so angry and he had every right to be. He was practically a stand in dad to me (even though he is just a year and a few months older). He had to find ways to feed us and he protected me from him in his own way. I remember once my dad choke slamming my brother to the floor and just beating him in the face because he was mad. He frequently got mad at his girlfriend and when he did he took it out on us when he was home. He would tell us to do something and we could ask a harmless question and it was over. Time to get the leather belt out and he would start swinging it where ever he could hit us. I remember when I was a bit younger (before I started cooking) he asked me to get down a pack of frozen pork chops to thaw out. I asked him which ones where the pork chops. He had a cast iron skillet in his hands and almost threw it at me he was so mad. I flinched and tried to duck. He didn't throw it but when he got the pork chops out of the freezer he hit me with them over and over again.
He was an angry man my entire life, he still is obviously and he won't ever get over his problems with women and his children. It was one thing to treat us the way he did and abandon us all those times but its another thing when he does our kids like that. He will never know my son. That ship has sailed. I gave him plenty of opportunity. He had almost 2 years to prove himself different and he couldn't even do that. He up and married a woman that no one knows. All of his conversations were monitored by her. He had to have it on speaker for every conversation but the last straw was in December. I haven't spoken to him since and won't ever again. He's nothing to me. He's nothing to my son. Jace has his Poppy and that's all he needs. He loves Jace enough. My dad may have abandoned me and abused me but he will not get the chance to do my son like that. And, I refuse to have a man in my life that treats no one with respect especially his family.
There are way more stories to tell about my childhood and I will get back to all of them a little at a time. After all that is part of my healing process. Thank you all to the one's of you who read my stories because it really does help me. My therapist says "A burden shared is a burden cut in half" and "talk it to death." So in the end there will be nothing else left to talk about.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
As I lay in bed
The other night thoughts crept into my mind. My OCD is getting to me. I haven't been on meds for it for about a month now. They didn't work. Well, they did work but not without some side effects that I just couldn't handle. Such as, falling asleep all day long. I would be sitting there one minute and the next thing I knew Jace would be screaming in my ear. I immediately took myself off of them. That's dangerous. So they tried me on several other medications all of which did the same thing or didn't work at all. I do have an appt soon with a different doctor so I am hoping for better results.
When I was lying in bed the other night I was sitting over there listening to Steve sleep and I got so angry. Gosh, I wish I could just be normal and go to sleep like every one else. But nope! I have to deal with these issues, thoughts, and worry about every thing in the world that I can't help. The other night I thought about my mom. When I say I thought about her I don't just mean the "normal" person thinking about their dead parent. I mean I thought of it all. All the events leading up to her getting sick, the phone call I had with her two days before she went into cardiac arrest, the coma, her coding when I was in the room with her, my running for dear life and trying to get out of the ICU doors, my anger. It all came flooding back to me. I couldn't get any of these thoughts out of my head. I tried and tried to think of other things. I tried to think happy thoughts but I just couldn't. It wouldn't go away.
So that is the story of my life right now until I can see this new doctor. Sleepless nights, early mornings, and busy days. I'm managing though. Although I would like it all to just go away, I know that it won't. But I will get past this as I have gotten past all the other things that has been wrong in my life. I just need time, a new doc, and some new meds.
When I was lying in bed the other night I was sitting over there listening to Steve sleep and I got so angry. Gosh, I wish I could just be normal and go to sleep like every one else. But nope! I have to deal with these issues, thoughts, and worry about every thing in the world that I can't help. The other night I thought about my mom. When I say I thought about her I don't just mean the "normal" person thinking about their dead parent. I mean I thought of it all. All the events leading up to her getting sick, the phone call I had with her two days before she went into cardiac arrest, the coma, her coding when I was in the room with her, my running for dear life and trying to get out of the ICU doors, my anger. It all came flooding back to me. I couldn't get any of these thoughts out of my head. I tried and tried to think of other things. I tried to think happy thoughts but I just couldn't. It wouldn't go away.
So that is the story of my life right now until I can see this new doctor. Sleepless nights, early mornings, and busy days. I'm managing though. Although I would like it all to just go away, I know that it won't. But I will get past this as I have gotten past all the other things that has been wrong in my life. I just need time, a new doc, and some new meds.
Friday, July 20, 2012
I'm still here.
I haven't written in a while because frankly I have been extremely busy. I've had a ton going on. Between photo shoots, Jace, home life, functions I committed myself too, there just hasn't been time. I haven't forgotten about my blog though and those of you who follow me and read them all. I still have a lot more to talk about. There are still more stories to be told of my childhood.
It has been pretty hectic around here. As most of you know Steve graduated in May. We have been submitting his resume since then for an engineering job. He still hasn't found a job. Its tough out there right now. I have also been looking for a job. We had planned to both look and if I got a job I could just quit once he got a good position. We have changed our minds about that though. I am going to be hopefully working full time in the near future and so is he. We will be putting Jace in daycare part time and maybe part time with Jamma and Poppy (yes, I spelled that right. That's what Jace calls Pappy now). Anyway, its the prime time to buy a house so we are thinking with two decent incomes we will be able to buy a house. Fingers crossed. I go for an interview tomorrow and also have one on Tuesday. I am hoping I get the one tomorrow. Sounds more up my alley. I'm also hoping that Steve gets one soon. Somewhere that he likes and can feel good about. He had one company call him back and they basically lied to him. Said they were hiring an engineer and when he got there that wasn't the case. Wanted to pay him a little over minimum wage to go dig holes and sample dirt. The place was unorganized as well. Its crazy that a company has to lie to get people to apply. Sounds shady to me.
Other than that things are pretty great. Jace is super goofy (he gets its from his mama I guess) Lol. He is saying new things daily and communicating his needs. This is why I don't mind him going to daycare now. Before, I was super nervous because I didn't want something to happen and him not be about to tell me. I guess that comes from me being abused as a child. I dunno. I talked about that with my therapist today. I have set free all of my burdens and feel great about myself for the first time in my life but I still have trust issues when it comes to Jace. She said that was normal. I think for the most part many women are like this about their babies. So, I know I am not alone there. I know when the time comes I am going to be on edge. I know I am going to have to visit places when they least expect so I can see how they really are, but I am ready to make that step. Its just another part of the process for me :)
It has been pretty hectic around here. As most of you know Steve graduated in May. We have been submitting his resume since then for an engineering job. He still hasn't found a job. Its tough out there right now. I have also been looking for a job. We had planned to both look and if I got a job I could just quit once he got a good position. We have changed our minds about that though. I am going to be hopefully working full time in the near future and so is he. We will be putting Jace in daycare part time and maybe part time with Jamma and Poppy (yes, I spelled that right. That's what Jace calls Pappy now). Anyway, its the prime time to buy a house so we are thinking with two decent incomes we will be able to buy a house. Fingers crossed. I go for an interview tomorrow and also have one on Tuesday. I am hoping I get the one tomorrow. Sounds more up my alley. I'm also hoping that Steve gets one soon. Somewhere that he likes and can feel good about. He had one company call him back and they basically lied to him. Said they were hiring an engineer and when he got there that wasn't the case. Wanted to pay him a little over minimum wage to go dig holes and sample dirt. The place was unorganized as well. Its crazy that a company has to lie to get people to apply. Sounds shady to me.
Other than that things are pretty great. Jace is super goofy (he gets its from his mama I guess) Lol. He is saying new things daily and communicating his needs. This is why I don't mind him going to daycare now. Before, I was super nervous because I didn't want something to happen and him not be about to tell me. I guess that comes from me being abused as a child. I dunno. I talked about that with my therapist today. I have set free all of my burdens and feel great about myself for the first time in my life but I still have trust issues when it comes to Jace. She said that was normal. I think for the most part many women are like this about their babies. So, I know I am not alone there. I know when the time comes I am going to be on edge. I know I am going to have to visit places when they least expect so I can see how they really are, but I am ready to make that step. Its just another part of the process for me :)
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
I'm human, it still hurts sometimes.
A friend of mine pinned this photo earlier. Its a beautiful photo and I love it but it made me think about my situation. Here is the photo.
It made me sad to think my dad wasn't interested in coming to my wedding. Its my second marriage of course but I am doing it right this time and I made it in Mississippi so I would be sure he was going to be there. When asked if he was coming he said I doubt it and I asked why not and he said sarcastically "to your 2nd wedding?" I told him yes and he said he would try but he doubted that he could leave his wife's mentally retarded brother and old mother that they have to take care of. I told him he could come even if she wasn't because I wanted him to walk his baby girl down the isle. I didn't have a wedding the first time. I am having a small one this time and I wanted at least one parent there and he couldn't even do that. Its a shame the parent we have left wants to have nothing to do with his own kids. Could care less about how we are doing and how his grand kids are doing. Yep, that is him. The most selfish asshole in the world. Ok, I can understand you walking out on your kids already and they are old enough to take it but come on. Do your grand kids like that, that don't know about that side of you because we hid it. My son will never be around someone who thinks its okay to come and go on his family when he gets a new woman in his life. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't think I am. Alright. Vent over.
It made me sad to think my dad wasn't interested in coming to my wedding. Its my second marriage of course but I am doing it right this time and I made it in Mississippi so I would be sure he was going to be there. When asked if he was coming he said I doubt it and I asked why not and he said sarcastically "to your 2nd wedding?" I told him yes and he said he would try but he doubted that he could leave his wife's mentally retarded brother and old mother that they have to take care of. I told him he could come even if she wasn't because I wanted him to walk his baby girl down the isle. I didn't have a wedding the first time. I am having a small one this time and I wanted at least one parent there and he couldn't even do that. Its a shame the parent we have left wants to have nothing to do with his own kids. Could care less about how we are doing and how his grand kids are doing. Yep, that is him. The most selfish asshole in the world. Ok, I can understand you walking out on your kids already and they are old enough to take it but come on. Do your grand kids like that, that don't know about that side of you because we hid it. My son will never be around someone who thinks its okay to come and go on his family when he gets a new woman in his life. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't think I am. Alright. Vent over.
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