I've had some serious anxiety over writing this blog and and posting it for the world to see. But, after all the purpose for me continuing was for the world to see what's its like living with all these things that are wrong with me. Please do not judge me. I was in a bad spot and I don't need anyone preaching to me.
Monday I was in a very bad spot. I don't know what happened or came over me. I guess it was part of the disease I have. I don't really know. It was my day to sleep in. I stayed in bed until 12:45 PM. I wasn't sleeping though. I was wide awake and had barely slept Sunday night. I have this weird thing where I have visions of things happening. I haven't had this happen in a long time though. I've had a few nightmares but no visions. I visioned I was working and my supervisor tells me I need to call home immediately. I log off of my computer and call Steve. When I called, Steve told me I needed to get home right away. Jace choked on something and he wasn't breathing, that the paramedics where there. I left everything at my desk and ran as fast as I could to my car, drove as fast as I could to my house. When I got here, there were firetrucks and ambulances. They told me "ma'am me did everything we could to revive him". His throat was even split from them trying to get whatever was in there out. My son was gone. Never to come back again. I lost it. I really, really lost. it.
Even though this did not happen. In my mind it felt real and I had a feeling it was going to happen. I event made sure to remind Steve when I left to make sure he watched him close when I left for work that day. My co-worker tried to say hi and talk to me and I just started crying. I kept crying in my cubicle. I had to keep going to the restroom because I kept crying. I thought something was going to happen to my son.
On my way home. I pulled over in a secluded area. Just to think and try to cry it out. Even though it was just a vision it was so real to me. Sitting there in my car, I had my medication with me. I thought about swallowing it all. I wanted to. Was very tempted. Because rationalizing this in my mind, I just knew something was going to happen to Jace and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I had a calmness come over me. Like I couldn't hear anything. Not even the sound of my breathing. I was ready to go, I wanted to go. I didn't know how much more of this I could take. The PTSD, OCD, GAD, and now found out I have depression in addition. I just wanted it all to end But, he was still here. I saw that beautiful photo my friend, Laura took of Jace on my phone screen as I checked it and I drove home. I came home and gave him the tightest squeeze and the biggest kiss.
Let me say this. I've always thought this. I think when you have kids especially that suicide is the most selfish thing one can do. But, now I can understand why some people do choose to end their lives that deal with some of the same issues as I do.
I could not bear to leave my son motherless. After all, look at all the issues I have had with my own mom's death and I didn't lose her until I was 22. I would have left behind an almost 3 year old. I had a lot of guilt over this as well. That's what got me the 2nd and 3rd day. I saw my therapist on the 3rd day. Didn't tell Steve until the 2nd day and as I told him, he had tears in his eyes, not knowing what to do or say to ease my pain. As I was still in the midst of my crisis. I later asked him if he would just go to one therapy session with me to listen in. He didn't have to talk because we don't need therapy. We are good in our relationship. I just need him to know how to handle me and learn about the diseases I have. He agreed in a heartbeat and I knew right then and there he was in like he said, for better or worse.
I had my therapy session on the 3rd day which was Wednesday and of course I still had a ton of guilt over wanting to rid myself knowing that I have child that loves me very much and vice versa. I cried most of the session. Was afraid that they were going to think I was crazy and send me away. Was afraid if I told anyone they would say something. It was just the fear of people judging me and thinking bad of me. I had a bad moment. Not a bad life. Even though I have over come so much, I will still have issues. Always will have some issue. And, that is the way it is with these diseases. Thankfully, my Therapist had me call the nurse right then and let her know what was going on so they could put me on something for the depression since she said that is what I am going through. I have a ton going on and am super stressed all the time right now.
Angry doesn't even begin to describe what I have been lately. My anger issues are out of control. I told my therapist I just can't get a handle on it. I haven't been mean to Steve or Jace or Family but if someone crossed me and pissed me off just right I would just snap on them and not even care. I've tried a lot of things to control this. I am currently working with her to work on this as well.
I assure you all I am fine now, except the anger part ;)
Let me tell you, I have one of the greatest friends a girl could ask for. Kristin Hix, she is fabulous. I cannot believe how much our friendship has grown in the amount of time we have known one another. I really do consider her a great friend and she was there for me through this whole thing. I felt like she was the only one who would be able to understand what I was going through. She did too and was able to talk to be and talk me through certain things. Not going into to much detail as her story is hers to tell on her own but she has had her fair share of issues so she kind of knew exactly what I was going through and feeling. I love you girl. I cannot even begin to tell you how lucky I am to have you in my life and to have our friendship. You are a gem of a friend and I am glad I found you.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
The many faces.....
I also fell like I carry or I must carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I want to do things for everyone and be there for everyone and some of my friends jut don't get it. I can't always be there. I have a family and I have a life too. I am sorry that I can't be up your ass 24/7 but I just can't. I love my friends (a very few of them) like my family, but just because we don't always talk doesn't mean I don't think of you.
I am beyond stressed right now. Still not promised a job with St. Jude. Waiting on a final decision from Memphis, Steve cannot find a job, Jace is potty training one day and the next he is peeing every where, I don't make enough money, I can't afford the bills, Steve is working on his Masters while he can't find a job. Its just all so over whelming. Its killing me. I feel like I am just going to snap on someone one day (not the kinda snap you see on TV, I'm not that damn crazy. I just need some me time. I need some time alone. I need to not worry about everything. I need to keep my mind focused on work and my family but I can't. Not having all the fucked up shit that is wrong with me. The medication I guess doesn't help with that. And, please for Pete's sake don't anyone try to give advice because the last time I checked I don't have any doctors on my damn friends list. I exercise. I've tried meditation. I can get enough sleep. I take medication. I go to therapy. I AM TRYING!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
You never know
As I sat in my therapy session the other day, my therapist asked me the usual how are have you been question. Then, how were the holidays.Of course it was all fine. I had a fantastic Christmas and New Year.
I then told her about my dad trying to call and it triggering all kinds of emotions. I told her about the letter and what I wrote. I told her I had been waiting for my session to get her advice on sending it or not. Turns out I had the answer all along, I just needed an outside source to get it out of me. I also told her of the Christmas cards he sent a couple of weeks after the call with him saying he wishes I would talk to him or tell him why I won't talk to him any longer. She was about as unimpressed with it as I was when I received it. Its a pattern. He does it every time. He is trying to get in my head now and make me feel guilty for not speaking to him. It almost worked as I told her. I've had several break downs over the whole ordeal. Thinking that what I have done is wrong, distancing myself from my own father was somehow wrong. I have to eventually get over these feelings. I will, I know I will. It just takes time and I know I shouldn't feel guilty. After all, I am just protecting myself and my family from the usual behaviors of my dad. I just know he cannot be accepted into my life again. Even when we were "ok" I was still afraid of him. Afraid of when he might snap. Do any of you know what that feels like. It feels pretty shitty to be honest. Its like you can't be around someone because you are literally afraid of what they might do and afraid they may snap. What kind of mother would I be if I let my son around someone that could be so hostile. I know how he can be, he raised me. I won't tolerate it.
So, for those of you dying to know if I sent the letter to him or not. I did not. I decided the best bet (even though I was pissed beyond words) would be not to send it. Why? Well, he never listens anyway. What good is it going to do me to send him that letter. All he would do is deny, deny, deny he ever did anything. That is another thing he always does. Just like he told my brother last year that he never beat me 4 days before my birthday where I had blood coming out from pretty much anywhere. He told my brother "I don't know where y'all get this stuff from"? He pretty much called me a liar but joked about the situation on many occasions saying things like "bet you won't talk back again." By the way I just told him that day he wasn't going to beat me with that belt because I hadn't done anything. He did anyway, but I fought back for the first time in my life, that day. Anyway, getting off topic here. He just lies about everything. If I sent the letter he would say I was lying. It would go in one ear and out the other. It wouldn't solve anything. It wouldn't change him. We couldn't mend our relationship. What would be the point? It wouldn't be one. I'd be wasting an envelope and a stamp on someone who really doesn't give a crap about his family. He proved that again a couple of weeks ago.
I also learned in my therapy session the other day that every single time there is contact between the two of us, I have major melt downs. I can't handle it because everything in my past always comes back. It doesn't matter how many times I forgive him or the men who sexually abused me, it always comes back. I associate everything bad that happened to me, with him. And, it is his fault. Had he been there like he should of been I wouldn't have been sexually abuses by 3 different men. Had he been a real man and father he wouldn't have abused my mom and his kids like he did. You always have a chance to change the way you were raised and turn it around. He chose not to, so I choose not to be in his life.
It hasn't been easy, I won't lie. Like I said above and have said on several occasions I have felt guilty and I am sure I will again. In the end though, I know I am making the right decision to keep him out and away from me. After all, I can't go around have major breakdowns all the time if he were in my life. I want to be normal and feel normal. The only way I can do that is to keep him out.
I then told her about my dad trying to call and it triggering all kinds of emotions. I told her about the letter and what I wrote. I told her I had been waiting for my session to get her advice on sending it or not. Turns out I had the answer all along, I just needed an outside source to get it out of me. I also told her of the Christmas cards he sent a couple of weeks after the call with him saying he wishes I would talk to him or tell him why I won't talk to him any longer. She was about as unimpressed with it as I was when I received it. Its a pattern. He does it every time. He is trying to get in my head now and make me feel guilty for not speaking to him. It almost worked as I told her. I've had several break downs over the whole ordeal. Thinking that what I have done is wrong, distancing myself from my own father was somehow wrong. I have to eventually get over these feelings. I will, I know I will. It just takes time and I know I shouldn't feel guilty. After all, I am just protecting myself and my family from the usual behaviors of my dad. I just know he cannot be accepted into my life again. Even when we were "ok" I was still afraid of him. Afraid of when he might snap. Do any of you know what that feels like. It feels pretty shitty to be honest. Its like you can't be around someone because you are literally afraid of what they might do and afraid they may snap. What kind of mother would I be if I let my son around someone that could be so hostile. I know how he can be, he raised me. I won't tolerate it.
So, for those of you dying to know if I sent the letter to him or not. I did not. I decided the best bet (even though I was pissed beyond words) would be not to send it. Why? Well, he never listens anyway. What good is it going to do me to send him that letter. All he would do is deny, deny, deny he ever did anything. That is another thing he always does. Just like he told my brother last year that he never beat me 4 days before my birthday where I had blood coming out from pretty much anywhere. He told my brother "I don't know where y'all get this stuff from"? He pretty much called me a liar but joked about the situation on many occasions saying things like "bet you won't talk back again." By the way I just told him that day he wasn't going to beat me with that belt because I hadn't done anything. He did anyway, but I fought back for the first time in my life, that day. Anyway, getting off topic here. He just lies about everything. If I sent the letter he would say I was lying. It would go in one ear and out the other. It wouldn't solve anything. It wouldn't change him. We couldn't mend our relationship. What would be the point? It wouldn't be one. I'd be wasting an envelope and a stamp on someone who really doesn't give a crap about his family. He proved that again a couple of weeks ago.
I also learned in my therapy session the other day that every single time there is contact between the two of us, I have major melt downs. I can't handle it because everything in my past always comes back. It doesn't matter how many times I forgive him or the men who sexually abused me, it always comes back. I associate everything bad that happened to me, with him. And, it is his fault. Had he been there like he should of been I wouldn't have been sexually abuses by 3 different men. Had he been a real man and father he wouldn't have abused my mom and his kids like he did. You always have a chance to change the way you were raised and turn it around. He chose not to, so I choose not to be in his life.
It hasn't been easy, I won't lie. Like I said above and have said on several occasions I have felt guilty and I am sure I will again. In the end though, I know I am making the right decision to keep him out and away from me. After all, I can't go around have major breakdowns all the time if he were in my life. I want to be normal and feel normal. The only way I can do that is to keep him out.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Thankful
As we were driving down the road today to our friends house and Jace was singing to the music I had playing, I realized just how lucky I am.
I have the absolute best husband in the world first off. Its like he knows when I am hurting even when I don't show it or act like anything is wrong. Just like the other night after the very mad blog I wrote. I was showing no emotion. For all he knew I was over here facebooking. I was clearly upset but hiding it the best I could. I didn't do a good job. After posting the blog. I left from the computer room, went to the bathroom on the verge of a panic attack and crying my eyes out. He came and knocked on the door. He asked me if everything was ok and I answered yes, I'm fine. Trying not to let him notice I had been crying. He sensed it anyway and came in. He walked in with my eyes blood shot from crying and not being able to breathe. I told him I was just so mad. That if my dad was in front of me I put my nose to his and scream to the top of my lungs at him all that I was feeling and slap him. It was like I was another person. I haven't been angry in a long. When I say angry, angry is a whole different way for me than most people. I get to the point of blacking out if I get so mad. In fact, when I was in high school I blacked out on a girl after she said some things and hit my brother and I had no idea what I was doing. When I came to, I was on top of her bashing her head on the concrete. That is not the person I am nor the person I want to be anymore. It has taken me years to manage the anger I have. All of that stems from my dad, of course. Just imagine this if you will. You watch your mom and dad fight daily. Not just words or fists. Guns, bricks, boards, breakables, vehicles, belts, etc. Then you get dealt some of the same things but can't fight back because if you do it will be even worse. But, listening to the same man tell me that crying is a sign of weakness, if I cried he would give me more. If I showed any emotion he would give me more. I was considered weak, so I fought. I fought as much as I could. Some I started. Some I didn't. I was MAD. I hated my life. I hated my dad. I hated everyone. I really do try not to even get a little mad because I know where it could lead. But, when it comes to my dad I want to deal him every thing he has ever dealt my mother, my sister, my brother, and myself. He deserves to hurt mentally and physically for the years of suffering he put us all through.
Anyway, my point was. Steve and I are so connected that he knew something was wrong. He knew to come and check on me. When I finally looked up into his beautiful eyes he had so much hurt in them. He was hurting for me, I knew he was. He didn't know what to say as he never has been through the things I have. This man of mine is amazing though and I am thankful that he chose me as his wife. I cannot imagine a life without him in it.
Then there is Jace. My sweet little guy. He is the funniest little thing with all the personality in the world. He does something all of the time to amaze me. I am so very thankful that I was able to be a stay at home mom to him for so long. Most people don't get that opportunity. He has been the person that has changed my life completely. He was found out about during a weird time in our lives. Steve was in school full time and working full time. I was working full time. I still had a ton of baggage from my moms untimely death. And, lots of it. Was going through court proceedings with the hospital that killed her. I didn't know what I was going to do. But, I knew one thing for sure. This child of mine that had been growing in me already for 4 months was the biggest miracle that has ever happened to me. Wasn't supposed to be able to have a child. Then I found out how far along I was and his gender on my moms birthday. I just lay on the table crying my eyes out when I heard his little heart beat. I felt like my mom was there with us and looking over me. I know, it sounds weird. But it was so many coincidences. Like I find all this out on her birthday and then the lady tells me when my due date is. It was on my moms death date. It was sure sign from her, I still believe that. Although I didn't have him then. He was late. I am glad it was a different day. The night I delivered I didn't hear him cry and they didn't let me hold him for a bit. The cord was wrapped around his neck and he was not breathing. Luckily, here we are today with an almost three year old. I cannot explain the feelings I had when I heard him cry and I got to hold him for the very first time. A baby. A baby that grew inside of me for 9 months. A miracle already in itself. But, now my miraculous baby that overcame so many odds that were stacked against him. I love that boy with my whole heart.
For my family. Gosh, we have been through so much together. We have been at extreme lows and extreme highs. For my brother. Wow, I don't know where to start. We fought so much growing up. I hated you, I resented you. I didn't understand you. For all the times you beat me up, pulled guns and knifes on me I couldn't understand why a brother would do that. I finally realized you were just as angry at the world as I was. For years we didn't speak. I vowed to never speak to you again that last time we fought. Then some happened. The best thing that could have ever happened. You apologized to me for you did and said you shouldn't have done that. You had never apologized to me for anything before. I forgave you. We moved passed it and look at us now. Never before had we had actual conversations. I never knew when you were going to blow a fuse. Now we have the best conversations, we actually talk to one another and listen to the other. You walked me down the isle because you said it was your place as I was your baby girl. Its true. I was. You are the one who took care of me when daddy ran out on us. It was just the two of us. You quite school in the 7th grade to get a job to buy us food. There is no way I could ever re-pay you for what you did or for being here for me now and being the best brother I could have. Our relationship means the world to me and I never want to lose what we have now. I love you so much.
My sister and I had always been close. She was my big sister. The one I went to in the middle of the night when I heard momma and daddy fighting. She would hold me close and cover my ears and tell me that someday every thing would be ok. That we wouldn't have to hear it anymore and that momma would be ok. If only we knew how things would turn out. *sigh*. My sister left in the middle of the night when she was 18. I woke up in the middle of the night cold and looked around. I didn't see her anywhere and our bedroom window was opened. I went and closed it and went back to bed and cried. I knew she left but I wasn't going to tell my parents. They would have found her. I wanted her to get out but I wanted her to stay to protect me. I couldn't have both so I just learned to deal. I'm glad for the times she was there for me to help me through the bad times. I couldn't have gotten through them. I was too young. I shouldn't have known what was going on but I did, unfortunately. I had to grow up and mature way too fast. But, she was there for me when she could be and I am so thankful for that. I love you so much.
Friends. What would I do without some of them. I can truly say I have some of the best friends in the world. New and old. I love you all. For those close enough to me you know that means it. I may not talk to you all each day but you all know I love you all dearly. I am glad to know I have friends that are there for me (in good times and bad). You guys really don't get enough credit for helping keep be sane sometimes and helping talk me through things. You all know exactly who you are and with out your friendships I would be heartbroken. Just know I very thankful for all of you and love you all so much.
Sorry if some of this seems random or I totally got off subject a few times. You all know how random I am by now. Ha.
I have the absolute best husband in the world first off. Its like he knows when I am hurting even when I don't show it or act like anything is wrong. Just like the other night after the very mad blog I wrote. I was showing no emotion. For all he knew I was over here facebooking. I was clearly upset but hiding it the best I could. I didn't do a good job. After posting the blog. I left from the computer room, went to the bathroom on the verge of a panic attack and crying my eyes out. He came and knocked on the door. He asked me if everything was ok and I answered yes, I'm fine. Trying not to let him notice I had been crying. He sensed it anyway and came in. He walked in with my eyes blood shot from crying and not being able to breathe. I told him I was just so mad. That if my dad was in front of me I put my nose to his and scream to the top of my lungs at him all that I was feeling and slap him. It was like I was another person. I haven't been angry in a long. When I say angry, angry is a whole different way for me than most people. I get to the point of blacking out if I get so mad. In fact, when I was in high school I blacked out on a girl after she said some things and hit my brother and I had no idea what I was doing. When I came to, I was on top of her bashing her head on the concrete. That is not the person I am nor the person I want to be anymore. It has taken me years to manage the anger I have. All of that stems from my dad, of course. Just imagine this if you will. You watch your mom and dad fight daily. Not just words or fists. Guns, bricks, boards, breakables, vehicles, belts, etc. Then you get dealt some of the same things but can't fight back because if you do it will be even worse. But, listening to the same man tell me that crying is a sign of weakness, if I cried he would give me more. If I showed any emotion he would give me more. I was considered weak, so I fought. I fought as much as I could. Some I started. Some I didn't. I was MAD. I hated my life. I hated my dad. I hated everyone. I really do try not to even get a little mad because I know where it could lead. But, when it comes to my dad I want to deal him every thing he has ever dealt my mother, my sister, my brother, and myself. He deserves to hurt mentally and physically for the years of suffering he put us all through.
Anyway, my point was. Steve and I are so connected that he knew something was wrong. He knew to come and check on me. When I finally looked up into his beautiful eyes he had so much hurt in them. He was hurting for me, I knew he was. He didn't know what to say as he never has been through the things I have. This man of mine is amazing though and I am thankful that he chose me as his wife. I cannot imagine a life without him in it.
Then there is Jace. My sweet little guy. He is the funniest little thing with all the personality in the world. He does something all of the time to amaze me. I am so very thankful that I was able to be a stay at home mom to him for so long. Most people don't get that opportunity. He has been the person that has changed my life completely. He was found out about during a weird time in our lives. Steve was in school full time and working full time. I was working full time. I still had a ton of baggage from my moms untimely death. And, lots of it. Was going through court proceedings with the hospital that killed her. I didn't know what I was going to do. But, I knew one thing for sure. This child of mine that had been growing in me already for 4 months was the biggest miracle that has ever happened to me. Wasn't supposed to be able to have a child. Then I found out how far along I was and his gender on my moms birthday. I just lay on the table crying my eyes out when I heard his little heart beat. I felt like my mom was there with us and looking over me. I know, it sounds weird. But it was so many coincidences. Like I find all this out on her birthday and then the lady tells me when my due date is. It was on my moms death date. It was sure sign from her, I still believe that. Although I didn't have him then. He was late. I am glad it was a different day. The night I delivered I didn't hear him cry and they didn't let me hold him for a bit. The cord was wrapped around his neck and he was not breathing. Luckily, here we are today with an almost three year old. I cannot explain the feelings I had when I heard him cry and I got to hold him for the very first time. A baby. A baby that grew inside of me for 9 months. A miracle already in itself. But, now my miraculous baby that overcame so many odds that were stacked against him. I love that boy with my whole heart.
For my family. Gosh, we have been through so much together. We have been at extreme lows and extreme highs. For my brother. Wow, I don't know where to start. We fought so much growing up. I hated you, I resented you. I didn't understand you. For all the times you beat me up, pulled guns and knifes on me I couldn't understand why a brother would do that. I finally realized you were just as angry at the world as I was. For years we didn't speak. I vowed to never speak to you again that last time we fought. Then some happened. The best thing that could have ever happened. You apologized to me for you did and said you shouldn't have done that. You had never apologized to me for anything before. I forgave you. We moved passed it and look at us now. Never before had we had actual conversations. I never knew when you were going to blow a fuse. Now we have the best conversations, we actually talk to one another and listen to the other. You walked me down the isle because you said it was your place as I was your baby girl. Its true. I was. You are the one who took care of me when daddy ran out on us. It was just the two of us. You quite school in the 7th grade to get a job to buy us food. There is no way I could ever re-pay you for what you did or for being here for me now and being the best brother I could have. Our relationship means the world to me and I never want to lose what we have now. I love you so much.
My sister and I had always been close. She was my big sister. The one I went to in the middle of the night when I heard momma and daddy fighting. She would hold me close and cover my ears and tell me that someday every thing would be ok. That we wouldn't have to hear it anymore and that momma would be ok. If only we knew how things would turn out. *sigh*. My sister left in the middle of the night when she was 18. I woke up in the middle of the night cold and looked around. I didn't see her anywhere and our bedroom window was opened. I went and closed it and went back to bed and cried. I knew she left but I wasn't going to tell my parents. They would have found her. I wanted her to get out but I wanted her to stay to protect me. I couldn't have both so I just learned to deal. I'm glad for the times she was there for me to help me through the bad times. I couldn't have gotten through them. I was too young. I shouldn't have known what was going on but I did, unfortunately. I had to grow up and mature way too fast. But, she was there for me when she could be and I am so thankful for that. I love you so much.
Friends. What would I do without some of them. I can truly say I have some of the best friends in the world. New and old. I love you all. For those close enough to me you know that means it. I may not talk to you all each day but you all know I love you all dearly. I am glad to know I have friends that are there for me (in good times and bad). You guys really don't get enough credit for helping keep be sane sometimes and helping talk me through things. You all know exactly who you are and with out your friendships I would be heartbroken. Just know I very thankful for all of you and love you all so much.
Sorry if some of this seems random or I totally got off subject a few times. You all know how random I am by now. Ha.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
My head is going to explode.
I have tried to keep my cool all day. I really have. Ran into some issues this morning and I swear if I could have gotten through that phone this morning I would have choked a few people. I've noticed people are giving a shit less about one another. I mean, were is the compassion, love, sincerity? Its non existent (well, most of the time). I've been trying hard for so long to keep my anger in check and I have been doing a fairly good job at it. At this point I just feel like there is no more holding back. People are pissing me the hell off. I know, I know. We control how we handle things but damn, do people have to make it so hard to be nice to them.
Not even to mention what my piece of shit sperm donor has pulled lately. By the way he has tried to call me once, the first of December. First time in a year. Of course I didn't answer because I have nothing to say to him. He called my brother bitching, asking him why I don't talk to him anymore. See, this is what he does. Its a pattern. The funny part is. I have always been the forgiving one. The one who took his side when he pulled his shit and tried to talk my sister and brother into talking to him. And, to try to understand him better. Gah, was I a fucking fool! I should have just left and ran away when I had the chance, then I wouldn't have had to live through the hell he put me through and maybe I would be a little less angry! Anyway, after that he decided to sent me and Jace a card in the mail. For Christmas. I started to put return to sender on it but opened it for shits and giggles. It only pissed me off worse. Oh, don't get me wrong. The card "to his daughter" was quite a beautiful card with the nicest saying on it. Then he writes "I wish you would call me, or tell me why you won't talk to me". Ha! Seriously! Hmmmm, let me think. Because you are a selfish asshole who only thinks of himself and when you get a new woman in your life you drop your kids like a bad habit! Fuck off!
This man makes me angry. More angry than anything in this world. To top it all off he did something he shouldn't have and I won't say because I want to protect the privacy of another family member. But, its sorry as hell you can't be there for your own family when they are in the middle of a fucking crisis. You can't drop your new family to help your "old" one that wouldn't affect your life that much! Not even to mention that you have been going around buying fucking pills! I bet your precious wife doesn't know about that! Go ahead. Stay hooked on your pills, hide shit from your wife, wait for her to leave you and then try crawling back to your family. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, BUDDY!
Besides all of this. It really pisses me off when people email me and ask me to do photos for them for dirt cheap. Not only for them but for their entire family. Um, hell no! I am worth more than that. I have to pay bills and survive just like the rest of you. So, people want me to spend all my time photographing their special moments with their families to be away from mine and pay me nothing. Ha. That's fucking hilarious. I don't work for free and when I do its for a good cause and its because someone has touched my heart. Not just because you think you are entitled to "cheaper" photos or that I am "way too expensive". If that is the case I can send you to someone who is dirt cheap whose photos look like shit. How about that?!
I will end by saying this. I am tired of petty people. I won't tolerate any of you, anymore. If you deleted from my friends list you will know why. I am tired of the dumbness, the constant postings on facebook that say if you love Jesus hit like, if not you like the devil. Seriously, that's just fucking dumb. I don't mind that you believe, doesn't bother me a bit. But, you post that or oh praise the lord he is so good to me and so on and so fourth and then the weekend rolls around and you are in photos throwing up your gang signs, smoking doobies, and drinking with next to no clothes on. Find some clothes and take care of your damn kids instead of partying every night of your life. Teach some real values.
Well, I guess that is all I have to bitch about for now. Stay tuned for more rants in the future. I will be sure not to disappoint.
PS. For the love of all humanity, if you do not agree with anything I have said. Do not like my use of profanity, or I have offended you then get the hell off my page because I don't care to hear about it!
Not even to mention what my piece of shit sperm donor has pulled lately. By the way he has tried to call me once, the first of December. First time in a year. Of course I didn't answer because I have nothing to say to him. He called my brother bitching, asking him why I don't talk to him anymore. See, this is what he does. Its a pattern. The funny part is. I have always been the forgiving one. The one who took his side when he pulled his shit and tried to talk my sister and brother into talking to him. And, to try to understand him better. Gah, was I a fucking fool! I should have just left and ran away when I had the chance, then I wouldn't have had to live through the hell he put me through and maybe I would be a little less angry! Anyway, after that he decided to sent me and Jace a card in the mail. For Christmas. I started to put return to sender on it but opened it for shits and giggles. It only pissed me off worse. Oh, don't get me wrong. The card "to his daughter" was quite a beautiful card with the nicest saying on it. Then he writes "I wish you would call me, or tell me why you won't talk to me". Ha! Seriously! Hmmmm, let me think. Because you are a selfish asshole who only thinks of himself and when you get a new woman in your life you drop your kids like a bad habit! Fuck off!
This man makes me angry. More angry than anything in this world. To top it all off he did something he shouldn't have and I won't say because I want to protect the privacy of another family member. But, its sorry as hell you can't be there for your own family when they are in the middle of a fucking crisis. You can't drop your new family to help your "old" one that wouldn't affect your life that much! Not even to mention that you have been going around buying fucking pills! I bet your precious wife doesn't know about that! Go ahead. Stay hooked on your pills, hide shit from your wife, wait for her to leave you and then try crawling back to your family. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, BUDDY!
Besides all of this. It really pisses me off when people email me and ask me to do photos for them for dirt cheap. Not only for them but for their entire family. Um, hell no! I am worth more than that. I have to pay bills and survive just like the rest of you. So, people want me to spend all my time photographing their special moments with their families to be away from mine and pay me nothing. Ha. That's fucking hilarious. I don't work for free and when I do its for a good cause and its because someone has touched my heart. Not just because you think you are entitled to "cheaper" photos or that I am "way too expensive". If that is the case I can send you to someone who is dirt cheap whose photos look like shit. How about that?!
I will end by saying this. I am tired of petty people. I won't tolerate any of you, anymore. If you deleted from my friends list you will know why. I am tired of the dumbness, the constant postings on facebook that say if you love Jesus hit like, if not you like the devil. Seriously, that's just fucking dumb. I don't mind that you believe, doesn't bother me a bit. But, you post that or oh praise the lord he is so good to me and so on and so fourth and then the weekend rolls around and you are in photos throwing up your gang signs, smoking doobies, and drinking with next to no clothes on. Find some clothes and take care of your damn kids instead of partying every night of your life. Teach some real values.
Well, I guess that is all I have to bitch about for now. Stay tuned for more rants in the future. I will be sure not to disappoint.
PS. For the love of all humanity, if you do not agree with anything I have said. Do not like my use of profanity, or I have offended you then get the hell off my page because I don't care to hear about it!
Monday, December 17, 2012
Medication
I really hate medication. I have been on so many since February. But I have been on Clonazapam the entire time. Why? I have no clue. Its not helping me. In fact, I started biting my nails again!!!!! I haven't done that in freaking years. Nasty. Even until they bleed so obviously its not helping. Its been 1 MG twice a day then he finally upped it to 3 last month. Has it helped? Nope. So you know what my hard headed self did? I said screw it. I threw it away. Its been about 4 days now and the withdrawals are starting to kick in. I refuse to keep paying for something that isn't working for me though, if doctors would listen to their patients more and helped them when they said its not working maybe that would help. I've always been on 30 MG Paxil which I am no longer taking as well.
These withdrawals are killing me though. Whew. Headaches, nauseous, head spinning, dizzy. Hopefully, it won't take too long for it all to get out of my system. I go to therapy in the morning. I will be telling her and cancelling all future sessions with the actual doctor for medication. I've been on a ton of medications since February. I am tired of taking them. Some do funny things to me, some make me not function, and others don't seem to do a thing so I am stopping them all. I will just have to deal with it like before. They haven't had me on OCD meds in months anyway. So they weren't helping with that either. Just my anxiety and sleeping and that's not been helping either. Every time I go back, they say the same thing..
These withdrawals are killing me though. Whew. Headaches, nauseous, head spinning, dizzy. Hopefully, it won't take too long for it all to get out of my system. I go to therapy in the morning. I will be telling her and cancelling all future sessions with the actual doctor for medication. I've been on a ton of medications since February. I am tired of taking them. Some do funny things to me, some make me not function, and others don't seem to do a thing so I am stopping them all. I will just have to deal with it like before. They haven't had me on OCD meds in months anyway. So they weren't helping with that either. Just my anxiety and sleeping and that's not been helping either. Every time I go back, they say the same thing..
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Letter I want to send to my father.
I have to write this down. If not its going to eat away at me and well, I just can't have that to be honest. I won't let him run me anymore. I won't let his lies and deceit affect my behavior anymore. So with this letter, I am letting go. Once again. Who knows if I will actually send it. I have people telling me I should and others telling me I shouldn't.
Dear Bobby,
I am writing this letter to you to clear up some things that I believe have been over looked. First, I guess I will respond to the most recent incidences since you don't seem to get it. You say that you have no idea why I am not talking to you. Hmmm, look around. Maybe you will figure it our. Oh wait, no you won't because you can never admit to any wrong doings. But, we will get to that later. When you got married I was so happy for you. I was happy you moved on and found someone you loved and that loved you back. I supported you 100 % and you know this as I told you this from the get go. I told you how happy I was with you. It started getting a little weird for me when every single time I called or you called, you had to have the phone on speaker so your new wife could hear our conversations. That is very odd to me. No one has to listen to every phone call unless they are jealous of something. I let that go though because I wanted to keep my relationship with the only parent I had left. The next thing that happened was Steve asked me to marry him. You had been waiting on this for so long. You loved Steve and was happy for us before but I guess you were wrapped up in your own happiness to be happy for you own kid. When we set a date and I asked you to walk me down the isle your exact words were "You want me to walk you down the isle for SECOND marriage?" Of course I did. I wanted everything to be right this time as the last time 2 months after my marriage momma died. This is why I planned it for Mississippi. So YOU could be there and be a real father and walk your daughter down the isle to marry her soul mate. But, you couldn't do that now could you?! You had to question everything. You said you couldn't leave your wife's mentally challenged brother and mother behind. That's fine. You could have came yourself. I even said that and you said you couldn't leave your precious wife. I mean was she really going to be that bent out of shape for you to come to YOUR OWN DAUGHTERS WEDDING!!!!!!!! It was just another excuse for you not to be there for me at a time in my life where I wanted you there, like always. So, instead of sending you an invite I asked my brother to walk me down the isle and fill that spot as he is the one who took care of me while you were off with all those whores for weeks at a time. With no money, and no food to eat.
That brings me to my second point. When you took us from our mother because she was dated a black man you said it was better for us this way. So that she didn't rub her "lifestyle" off on us. Then when you brought us home I was 12 and Charlie was 13. You didn't give a crap about what happened to us. You didn't even stick around long enough to see the issues I was having after being molested. Which you later admitted (when I was 23) that you knew something like that happened to me. Yet, you do absolutely nothing! You continued to leave Charlie and I at home alone with no money or food while you where off with your whores and partying around but yet wanted us to be good Christian role models. Took our TV, radio, cards, and everything away. We had NOTHING! Because of you! During this time I was raped. Guess what, Bobby? That would not have happened if you had of been home taking care of your kids like you should have been! You took us from our mother acting like you could protect us better, but instead you left us worse off than we were. And, don't even get me started on the whole claiming to be a child of God. You claimed all of this, yet left us, abandoned us, smoked pot, got drunk, went to jail, and all during this time. Instead of being the father you were supposed to be, you were nothing more to us than someone we were terrified of when you were home and not boozing it up.
After years of doing this to us you finally settled down with a woman. I don't have to say who, you know who I am talking about. Which by the way took 3 more years away from our mom because she believed that we shouldn't see our mom because she was married to a black man and in God's eyes that was wrong and we shouldn't be subjected to that. But, what the hell did she have to do with it. Looking at it now, look at her kid. How bad is he? 10 times worse than we ever were. Yea, that's what her thinking gets you. Yet, you took her word and took us away and kept us away for a damn woman. From a woman that used you to do her handy work that she didn't know how to do. For a woman that refused to marry you again. For a woman that refused to sleep in a bed next to you. This is what you did. For another WOMAN. See a pattern here yet?
During all of this time, I cut myself, I tried to kill myself, I had sex to get attention. What was the point in saving myself. I was fucking raped for crying out loud because you weren't there!!!!!!!!! Really, tell me. What was the damn point? There was none. I had wished so many times that you were right when momma had me at the hospital and you claimed I was not your child. I hoped and hoped that and when I believed I even prayed you weren't my dad. I prayed it was a mistake. That way I could cut ties and be done with you. But, unfortunately for me. You are the person who gave your sperm so I could be born.
I am so glad to be a part of this wonderful world but you will never hear me refer to you as my dad or my father. You are not that to me as you have never been one. Not only to me but your THREE other kids as well. I have learned so much this past year. I have learned that I will NEVER subject my son to someone such as yourself who only comes and goes at their convenience and that I will NEVER be the type of parent you were. After all, you weren't one. Even when you tried you failed miserably. Maybe it is because its how you were raised as well. But, we all have a chance to change and break the cycle. You didn't even try to do that. I have broken the cycle and for this reason I wish to no longer speak with you or have any other communication with you. With the help of my therapist I have come to terms with the fact that I no longer have either of my parents. I miss momma like crazy and wish she was still here but there is nothing I can do about that. I can't say that I miss you because if I did I would be lying. Even when we were "ok" I was still afraid of the next time you might snap. I don't have to worry about that any longer. You are no longer welcomed in my life or my families life.
Sandy Hurst
***Sorry so long guys. I just had to get it out. Even if I never send it. It had to be said. Thanks for reading. I love all of you that take interest in reading my blogs and supporting me through this life journey.
Dear Bobby,
I am writing this letter to you to clear up some things that I believe have been over looked. First, I guess I will respond to the most recent incidences since you don't seem to get it. You say that you have no idea why I am not talking to you. Hmmm, look around. Maybe you will figure it our. Oh wait, no you won't because you can never admit to any wrong doings. But, we will get to that later. When you got married I was so happy for you. I was happy you moved on and found someone you loved and that loved you back. I supported you 100 % and you know this as I told you this from the get go. I told you how happy I was with you. It started getting a little weird for me when every single time I called or you called, you had to have the phone on speaker so your new wife could hear our conversations. That is very odd to me. No one has to listen to every phone call unless they are jealous of something. I let that go though because I wanted to keep my relationship with the only parent I had left. The next thing that happened was Steve asked me to marry him. You had been waiting on this for so long. You loved Steve and was happy for us before but I guess you were wrapped up in your own happiness to be happy for you own kid. When we set a date and I asked you to walk me down the isle your exact words were "You want me to walk you down the isle for SECOND marriage?" Of course I did. I wanted everything to be right this time as the last time 2 months after my marriage momma died. This is why I planned it for Mississippi. So YOU could be there and be a real father and walk your daughter down the isle to marry her soul mate. But, you couldn't do that now could you?! You had to question everything. You said you couldn't leave your wife's mentally challenged brother and mother behind. That's fine. You could have came yourself. I even said that and you said you couldn't leave your precious wife. I mean was she really going to be that bent out of shape for you to come to YOUR OWN DAUGHTERS WEDDING!!!!!!!! It was just another excuse for you not to be there for me at a time in my life where I wanted you there, like always. So, instead of sending you an invite I asked my brother to walk me down the isle and fill that spot as he is the one who took care of me while you were off with all those whores for weeks at a time. With no money, and no food to eat.
That brings me to my second point. When you took us from our mother because she was dated a black man you said it was better for us this way. So that she didn't rub her "lifestyle" off on us. Then when you brought us home I was 12 and Charlie was 13. You didn't give a crap about what happened to us. You didn't even stick around long enough to see the issues I was having after being molested. Which you later admitted (when I was 23) that you knew something like that happened to me. Yet, you do absolutely nothing! You continued to leave Charlie and I at home alone with no money or food while you where off with your whores and partying around but yet wanted us to be good Christian role models. Took our TV, radio, cards, and everything away. We had NOTHING! Because of you! During this time I was raped. Guess what, Bobby? That would not have happened if you had of been home taking care of your kids like you should have been! You took us from our mother acting like you could protect us better, but instead you left us worse off than we were. And, don't even get me started on the whole claiming to be a child of God. You claimed all of this, yet left us, abandoned us, smoked pot, got drunk, went to jail, and all during this time. Instead of being the father you were supposed to be, you were nothing more to us than someone we were terrified of when you were home and not boozing it up.
After years of doing this to us you finally settled down with a woman. I don't have to say who, you know who I am talking about. Which by the way took 3 more years away from our mom because she believed that we shouldn't see our mom because she was married to a black man and in God's eyes that was wrong and we shouldn't be subjected to that. But, what the hell did she have to do with it. Looking at it now, look at her kid. How bad is he? 10 times worse than we ever were. Yea, that's what her thinking gets you. Yet, you took her word and took us away and kept us away for a damn woman. From a woman that used you to do her handy work that she didn't know how to do. For a woman that refused to marry you again. For a woman that refused to sleep in a bed next to you. This is what you did. For another WOMAN. See a pattern here yet?
During all of this time, I cut myself, I tried to kill myself, I had sex to get attention. What was the point in saving myself. I was fucking raped for crying out loud because you weren't there!!!!!!!!! Really, tell me. What was the damn point? There was none. I had wished so many times that you were right when momma had me at the hospital and you claimed I was not your child. I hoped and hoped that and when I believed I even prayed you weren't my dad. I prayed it was a mistake. That way I could cut ties and be done with you. But, unfortunately for me. You are the person who gave your sperm so I could be born.
I am so glad to be a part of this wonderful world but you will never hear me refer to you as my dad or my father. You are not that to me as you have never been one. Not only to me but your THREE other kids as well. I have learned so much this past year. I have learned that I will NEVER subject my son to someone such as yourself who only comes and goes at their convenience and that I will NEVER be the type of parent you were. After all, you weren't one. Even when you tried you failed miserably. Maybe it is because its how you were raised as well. But, we all have a chance to change and break the cycle. You didn't even try to do that. I have broken the cycle and for this reason I wish to no longer speak with you or have any other communication with you. With the help of my therapist I have come to terms with the fact that I no longer have either of my parents. I miss momma like crazy and wish she was still here but there is nothing I can do about that. I can't say that I miss you because if I did I would be lying. Even when we were "ok" I was still afraid of the next time you might snap. I don't have to worry about that any longer. You are no longer welcomed in my life or my families life.
Sandy Hurst
***Sorry so long guys. I just had to get it out. Even if I never send it. It had to be said. Thanks for reading. I love all of you that take interest in reading my blogs and supporting me through this life journey.
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